Trust is an interesting thing. To truly trust someone is to put your faith in their decisions, their hopes, their dreams. It’s not always easy to come to the conclusion of trust and comfort in another free spirit.
I’d like to hope that there’s something beyond “watching your back” in this world. Beyond having to hide how you really feel about someone. Beyond being worried about what others may think about you. Beyond being afraid that people are out to betray others. By this, I don’t mean in a “paranoid”, “they’re out to get me” sense- but being able to trust your heart with someone else.
One of my number one fears about growing older is growing bitter. I don’t want the negative parts of my experiences to cloud over the positive ones. I don’t want to wake up one day, alone, untrusting, and angry with the state of the world. I want to be genuinely happy and genuinely trusting of people who deserve it.
Reflecting back on being a kid, I didn’t have a negative childhood. I grew up around adults mostly. I had happy times, I had learning times. I have two parents, although human and make their own mistakes, who ultimately love each other. They taught me and continue to teach me to be loving, to wear my emotions on my sleeve, to connect with others emotionally. Through friendships and romantic relationships, I realized that this isn’t always appropriate. You can only trust yourself and your own stability. It’s gut wrenching at times to discover that the world doesn’t always operate in harmony with emotions. Hiding of emotions and connections lacking emotion accentuate this behavior. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is a hard business to be in.
Someday I’ll think up a better answer- because after all, I do think about it far too often.
This isn’t the typical Friday night, but it is what it is.